[This is the third post in a series on topics addressed at the Youth Work Summit in May 2012] There were two talks on sex and porn on the Youth Work Summit 2012 (one by Ruth Corden and one by dr. William Struthers) and both shared data and facts that got me thinking. Often, when we address sex and porn in our youth ministry, it’s somehow related to sinning.
We talk about sex because we want our young people to know how God meant sex, how it’s supposed to be. We want to impress on them how important sexual purity is, for several reasons. We want to help young men (and young women in growing numbers as well) to become free of addiction to (internet)porn.
Those are all valid and honorable reasons, but after hearing the issue of sex and porn addressed on the Youth Work Summit I’m thinking this is not enough. There’s another crucial reason to talk about sex and porn in our youth ministry: to educate our students on these issues.
Young people turn to porn because they're looking for solid info or because they're curious. How can we help them get educated on sex in a safe and responsible way?
Statistics on young people and porn
Here are some interesting statistics Ruth Corden and dr. William Struthers shared in their talks:
- The average 14-year old watches 90 minutes of porn a week
- 3 in 10 young people learn about ex through porn
- 60% of young people says porn gives the wrong idea about sex
- The average age of first exposure to porn is now 11 for males and 13 for females and those are dropping fast
- 1 in 6 teens has received a sexual image from someone they know
Now to me, these statistics are revealing a deep truth: young people don’t just watch porn for stimulation, they also end up watching it because they’re looking for solid info, for sex education so to speak. But if their education on sex comes from porn, what image of sex will they get? How will they come to view the roles of men and women in sexual encounters?
It’s one more reason for us as churches and youth ministries to talk about sex, to maybe even offer sex education. We can’t allow porn to become the ‘standard’ for sex, we need to counter this horribly deviated image and help young people disover sex as God has intended it. And our ‘sex talks’ should be about more than just Biblical advice, I think we should spend considerable time teaching the facts as well. If young people are looking for sold info, we should provide this in a safe and responsible way and help them find the answers they’re looking for.
Language of sex
Ruth Corden shared something else I’d never thought of: she listed some of the (British) English terms for male and female genitalia and then made an interesting observation. Most of the terms for female genitalia are derogative, whereas most of the ‘male’ terms are either innocent (‘Mr Winky’) or proud (‘big salami’ – I’m using just two examples here so you know what she was talking about). What was interesting to me, is that the same applies in Dutch (my mother tongue). So it’s not a language thing or a cultural thing in the English speaking world, it’s a reality.
Now I’m not even going to go into the many, many negative words used in rap and hiphop songs about women. But this all shows the same message: that women are inferior to men and when it comes to sex, that women have a certain role and are certainly not equal to men. That is a message that we need to counter, that we need to make young people aware of.
Ruth suggested that we talk about sex and porn with our young people and simply pay attention to the terms and language they are using. We should educate them for sure, but we can and should also challenge derogative terms and help young people see these for what they are.
Intimacy and porn
Dr. Struthers stressed two other important issues: the unwanted exposure to porn is growing, so young people don’t always go looking for it but stumble across it. That’s something we may need to discuss with parents, help them become aware of this and maybe protect their teens better or start a conversation about this.
And secondly: when they go looking for porn, they can have other reasons than stimulation, like boredom or curiosity. But a big reason is the search for intimacy. Dr. Struthers explained the ‘Craver’s law’: sex can become a craving, like food. That way porn can become addictive, but it’s a sign that an intimacy need isn’t being met.
Again, this should encourage us to start a conversation with our young people on sex and porn, not from a judging point of view, but from a willingness to dig deeper and find what’s at the core of the issue. If they long for intimacy, for bonding, for belonging, what can we offer to help them find that in another way than through porn or sex?
My conclusion: we need to talk a lot more about sex and porn and in different ways than just offering a Biblical viewpoint on it. Young people need us to be open and honest about these topics and to help them find their way in a sex-filled world that’s shouting a distorted version of sex from the top of its lungs.
Related posts:
- Is it okay to mentor someone from the opposite sex?
- Helping young people navigate their culture
- One word that could destroy your ministry part I: hamartia
- Why parents can’t understand their teens
- How ‘just’ listening is changing lives – an interview with Rebecca Hamer
- Addressing risky behavior in your youth ministry team
Absolutely agree Rachel!
Thanks Jenni
Ik kan me er niet helemaal in vinden als relatief jong persoon. Laat ik voorop stellen dat ik al heel veel moeite heb met de vaak toch algemene aannames over God, sex, het huwelijk enz, enz. Omdat ik van mening ben (en verder niet zo directe of duidelijk Bijbelse grondslag vind) voor het hebben van geen sex of wel sex voor het huwelijk en dat God het slecht vind of verbied. Ik denk wel dat in de huidige maatschappij we als Christenen snel genoodzaakt te waarschuwen ipv ons vooral vast te houden aan een Liefdevolle Vader die sex als iets goeds en moois bedoeld heeft wat uiteindelijk veel meer invloed heeft dat er over praten. Ik ervaar meer invloed en respect voor iemand die het leeft en het niet er de hele tijd er over heeft dan iemand die wel steeds waarschuwd, vermaand, me uitlegt, verteld enz, enz. Sowieso denk ik dat onze denkkaders vaak nogal kort zijn en weinig ruimte geven om te ontdekken dat wat we zelf altijd maar als ‘aanname’ hebben misschien ook gewoon heel anders zit. In Christelijk Nederland vind ik vooral bij het onderwerp: Sex, God en het huwelijk dat er zoveel vage concepten, totaal verschillende ideeën, meningen en ‘waarheden’ zijn waar zelfs soms helemaal geen hele duidelijke Bijbelse, laat staan Goddelijke grondslag voor lijkt te zijn dat er voor de rest nogal veel onzin tussen lijk en onrealistische onduidelijkheden lijken in te zitten. Persoonlijk kan ik ook de overtuigingen van mensen niet zo duidelijk terug vinden als wet of regel in de Bijbel en zouden we het misschien ook zo moeten brengen. Als ik denk, ik vind, ik wil, ik voel ipv ‘Maar ik denk dat het zo hoort, moet of goed is’. En daarbij is de enige redenen dat ik porno problemen heb zo af en toe omdat ik gewoon me heel alleen voel, te vaak kritiek krijg op wat ik vind of hoe ik met dingen omga en dus ook worstel met het idee gewoon mezelf te moge zijn en geaccepteerd te zijn. Porno geeft me dan gewoon even een fijner gevoel. Want er zijn te weinig mensen die Paul dan gewoon lief hebben en teveel zogenaamde ‘goed gedrag’ predikers die de nadruk leggen op goed en fout, waarschuwingen, kijk uit berichten en zelfs dingen als ‘Maar dit vind God ervan’ of ‘Vind God dat wel goed?’ wat ik pure manipulatie noem om mensen zover te krijgen uit eigen probeersel gedrag aan te passen. Terwijl ik porno simpel zie als een roep naar intimiteit, een knuffel, Liefde, acceptatie of iemand die mij gewoon compleet accepteert zoals ik ben en nooit bezig is met het nog niet perfecte gedrag of de perfecte zondevrije leven dat ik leef. Maar die Gods plan, acceptatie en Liefde nog steeds ziet. Iemand die zeg maar het leger ziet ipv de dorre beenderen. En enkel daaraan vasthoud van waaruit ik geloof dat iedereen zou veranderen. Iemand die niet bezig is met wat ik nog niet perfect doe, ben of niet handig of goed is. Maar iemand die altijd God ziet door alle shit en troep heen. Waarom? Omdat dat het enige is dat altijd zal werken en hetgene is wat ik geloof dat God zelf ook altijd doet.
A short summary for those of you who don’t read Dutch: Paul is saying that he (and he’s a young person himself) has a bit of an issue with the way Christians mix their own personal convictions with Biblical truths when it comes to talking about sex with young people. He says that the Bible isn;t crystal clear on some sexual issues (like sex before marriage) and that people should come right out and say this instead of presenting it as a fact. All those warnings about how sinful it is show little love and can get really manipulative. Paul states he’s looking for acceptance and wants to be loved instead of being preached at for his sins. He sees watching porn as a shout for attention, for acceptance and love, for intimacy and a hug.
My response:
I agree with you that Christians in general when talking about sex focus too much on giving warnings and trying to convince young people of the fact that they shouldn’t have sex before marriage and that they shouldn’t watch porn, to name just two. When watching porn has more to do with a longing for acceptance and intimacy, warnings won’t do much good. You’ll need to help young people fill that void, find that intimacy in a healthy way, preferably with God. I can completely imagine that you as a young person sometimes get downright pissed off all the criticism you get over your sins (and believe me: it’s not like the grown ups are doing any better, porn addiction is a huge problem amongst mainly adult men!). It’s hypocritical to say the least. That’s why I think there should be a good balance between giving the facts on sex (a form of sexual education) and sharing the Biblical views on sex. Even when discussing the latter, you can still find a loving way to paint a picture of how beautiful God has designed it to be instead of focusing on the fact that sex before marriage is wrong and sinful, you know what I mean? I think young people will be far more attracted by a ‘vision’ of how it can be and is supposed to be, than they will be deterred by a warning of sinfulness. Personally, I have a big issue with treating sexual sins as ‘worse’ than other sins. The consequences may be bigger, but a sin is a sin and Christ died for all of them, including the sexual ones. Just one last thing: I do believe the Bible is clear on many sexual issues, including sex before marriage, but it’s not formulated into one command as many of us would have liked for clarity’s sake. And people do have a tendency to pick out the verses that support their views and teach these as absolute truth…Anyway, thanks for sharing this and being so open. (en laat het me weten als ik dit even in het Nederlands voor je moet vertalen