One of the things in my blog statistics I love looking at, are the search terms people used to find my site. Every now and then there are some interesting, funny, sad or shocking ones and I figured I’d share some of them with you while at the same time try to give answers.
This one appeared in my search terms this week: how to tell your youth leader you’re pregnant. This is one of those search terms that makes me kind of sad, because you can feel there’s a story here. Somewhere on this earth, there’s a pregnant teenage girl scared to death because she has to tell her youth leaders that she’s pregnant. Something that in most churches does not go over well.
I’ve written about handling a teenage pregnancy in your youth group, which is probably why this search term was successful in finding my blog. But let’s try and give some advice to a pregnant teen who is scared to tell her youth leader she’s pregnant.
Dear pregnant teen girl…God loves you, no matter what you’ve done and He’s there for you every step of the way.
Dear pregnant girl…
Dear pregnant girl, I can imagine you’re scared about how your youth leader will react. I wish I could assure you he or she will react with compassion and understanding, but I can’t. I know how hard it was for me when one of ‘my girls’ told me she was pregnant. It wasn’t that I was angry or disappointed, I just felt sad because I knew what it would mean for her life and I had wished her so much better. In hindsight, I could have responded better as well and I promise I will if there’s a next time.
I advice you to make an appointment to talk about this with your youth leader, don’t just ambush him or her after youth group or church. It’s always better to be able to talk about this in a quiet environment where there’s time to respond well.
Also, pray about it before telling your youth leader about your pregnancy. Ask God to give you the right words and the courage to be completely honest. It’s also okay to pray that your youth leader will respond with love and compassion. God can change people, so even if you suspect your youth leader won’t react that way, ask God to change his or her heart.
And if they do respond negatively, if they do show condemnation and judgment, try to forgive them. That’s not easy, I know, especially with everything that’s going on in your life already. But holding on to anger and bitterness won’t do you and your baby any good. Also, don’t believe them. They’re right when they tell you you’ve sinned, but that doesn’t mean they’re any better or that you deserve some kind of punishment.
I hope you know that God loves you no matter what you’ve done. Christ has dies for all our sins, including the premarital sex you’ve had. People may sometimes make you feel like sexual sins are pretty much unforgivable but that’s nonsense. If you confess your sins to God and trust in Jesus’ sacrifice for your sins, then God will forgive you. That’s a guaranteed promise.
And dear, dear pregnant girl, I realize there’s a chance that this pregnancy isn’t your fault at all. You may have been abused or raped or somehow forced into doing something you never wanted. If that’s the case, than honey, my heart goes out to you even more. No matter how difficult it may be, you need to tell someone. If your youth leader doesn’t respond well, go to your school counselor, another adult you trust or even the police. Find the courage to stand up for yourself. God is with you, right beside you, every step of the way…
When you’re a teen and you’re pregnant, you’ll be facing lots of difficult decisions. I hope and pray that your youth leader will stand by you and help you make these, together with your parents if that’s possible. But don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don’t want. Pray and ask God for wisdom and courage to do the right thing. May God bless you dear pregnant girl…and the precious life you’re carrying.
What would you say to this girl? Dear pregnant girl…
To me, this is always tough hearing the news of a pregnant student.
But, as a leader, it’s something we should hear. It lets us know what’s going on in the life of the student, it allows us to ask the question “What can we do to help you?”, and it allows us to be more sensitive to the situation.
It is tough, also because as adults we understand the consequences of this news, often way more than the teen itself does. But the response should indeed be ‘what can I do to help you’, because at that time they need our help more than ever…
Exactly Rachel. They don’t realize that their whole life will be changing because of the pregnancy.
I don’t know if you guys are experiencing the same thing, but with our students, it seems like teenage pregnancy is running rampant. From both church-raised students and non-churched ones.
Where I live right now it’s not really an issue, we live in a very conservative (Catholic) part of Germany…but in Holland I’ve seen a few cases and I know it’s a much bigger issue in the UK and the US.
That’s good to hear that it’s not a pressing issue in your area of Germany. Like you said, in the US it can be a problem. I’ve been wondering more and more what can be done to help the students make wiser choices.
Though I’ve got to give them credit. When this type of issue has cropped up, most of them have taken the responsible route and chosen life over abortion.
I think we need to pay way, way more attention to prevention when it comes to pregnancies and sex in general. As the church in general, we’ve been sticking to just ‘no sex before you’re married’ for too long. In this day and age of a sexualized teen culture and free porn everywhere, we need to step up our efforts to help students make better choices. I still fully believe in the Biblical viewpoint that sex belongs within the marriage, but we should say and discuss more than just that. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about this like this one: http://www.youthleadersacademy.com/addressing-sex-and-porn/ and this one: http://www.youthleadersacademy.com/modeling-marriage-to-our-youth/ I’d love to hear your thoughts!
This is a really important topic you’re raising. Thank you for taking it on. That said, I have to take issue with some of the ways you addressed it.
I appreciate that you acknowledge this may not be the girl’s fault, but I almost didn’t get there when you talked about sexual sins. Personally, I think it’s a bad idea to bring up sin at all in this situation, or to talk about “what you’ve done,” when someone is still trying to find answers. Now is not the time. Now is the time for the message that you are loved no matter what. Full stop. Whether she was raped, coerced, molested, or a willing participant, what matters most now is that she is pregnant and asking for help. We can talk about choices and behavior later. Much later. Or, as you say, we need to talk about it much sooner.
I also think that the answer to someone who has been condemned and judged is not to say, “try to forgive them,” but first to say, “I’m sorry that happened to you. I am sorry the church has let you down.” It is in that apology that true forgiveness is more likely to happen.
That being said, I absolutely agree that this is an issue that needs to be addressed much better by our churches, and with a far more nuanced answer than “Don’t have sex until you’re married.” Here’s another response that is challenging but I think realistic in today’s society: http://confirmnotconform.com/blog/talking-about-sex-and-drugs-youth-group
Thank you again for writing this really important post. Your compassion and love for youth shines through it all.
Thanks for your feedback Laura! I must admit, I’ve written this for a ‘raised in church’ girl, that’s why I addressed the issue of sexual sin. It’s something that in my experience, a lot of Christian girls think about first when they’re pregnant and sadly, it’s also something that others bring up first. I agree with you, of a girl came to me (and I have been there!) with this news, I wouldn’t talk about sin at all. And I love your apology ‘statement’, great addition!